It was March 6th we found out the cancer had travelled to the brain and the prognosis wasn’t good - but here we are a whole month later and “he’s still here”!!
There is still pain when he moves, but sitting and lying are now fairly pleasant experiences. It takes every ounce of energy he can muster to pull himself up and walk to the lazy boy chair or down the elevator for a drive in the car but he pushes himself to keep going.
He’s spent the last while getting things in order and the last item to take care of was his burial and wake. The wake was an easier one to chat about; choosing/remembering his favourite songs/music. (Of course there’s L.C.and G.L. and the others come, mostly in the middle of the night, and there are a lot of them! But Eve of Destruction is banned, even though it’s the first song I heard him “sing”!)
Then a venue: On all those drives to drs, hospital, treatments, we pass by most of the private-school rowing-club boathouses and one reminded us so much of the Ottawa Rowing Club. So later, in a boathouse on opposite sides of the world, there will be a party and he’s sad he won’t be there, but I tell him that he knows exactly how it will look and sound - and that’s the teeny, tiny silver lining in all of this, that we have those special moments to make plans - together.
Planning ones burial takes more courage than I know I have, but joseph has known for a long time that he wants a “natural burial”. He doesn’t want to use any extra energy or leave anything behind when he’s finished. So we just had to find the place where it could happen, and we did. It’s called Wirra Wonga (bush grave) and it’s a lovely natural bushland setting in a local cemetery, and we drove the Merc out to have a look and he is very happy. So happy, that we drove the Merc out again the next day with Cassia on board and now he’s itching to drive the Merc out again and show Mischa.
That all might sound like the hardest thing in the world to be talking about, but for me it’s been the most wonderful gift he can give me and if he thought he had me at “Mercedes”, well there isn’t enough gold in the world for this one.
Hi Jill - I haven't been on in a while. Thinking about everything you guys are going through seems like too much on top of everything else. I know that sounds selfish so I hope you know that even if I haven't been reading your updates, you are both in my heart and mind numerous times a day. I know the planning is hard but you are giving Joseph and yourself a gift by doing these things together. I'm sure it is giving him peace of mind to see that you can talk about the time "after". For you, you will look back at the you of today and take strength from the memory of being brave and supportive of Joseph when he needed you most. Love to you both. I wish I had some lovely pictures or thoughts to sign off with but all I have is to tell you to keep doing what you are doing. It's the best you can do.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Debra. You are amazing and on top of all that is going on inside and outside of your home you still manage to provide us with very thoughtful and informative as well as appreciated updates. Love to all of you.
ReplyDelete